just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
