Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
