So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
