Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You took a bar mat shot.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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