Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
