Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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