yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
