By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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