new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize