your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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