9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
