Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Randomize
