Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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