Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
In other news, I just burned my penis
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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