This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im holly from the hills drunk
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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