dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
