who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
