he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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