Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
