highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
