I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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