I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
