Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
