all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's rum buckets o'clock
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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