saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
