Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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