When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
