Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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