I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
