I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
