Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
