No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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