I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
