Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize