So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
