I wanna passion pit in your ass
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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