I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
