did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I wish there were birth control emojis
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
