Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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