Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
