happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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