wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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