I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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