i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
