Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
