I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
