You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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