i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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