my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
