this beer tastes like vomit already
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When did angry sex become our thing?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
