The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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