Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
