My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
