I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
