I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
