We need to start having sex underwater more often.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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