He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
