Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
